Sibling Rivalry: How to Fix It and Build Stronger Family Bonds

Sibling rivalry is the misunderstanding that grows up among siblings or family members. It is a part of family traditional ways of growing up among siblings, but for some, it’s more than just a passing phase. It’s a conflict that can shape relationships for years, sometimes even creating lasting tension. There are different reasons which can give room for this unhealthy family challenge, one of which is the quiet battle for special attention, love, and approval from your parents.

In some cases, sibling rivalry can begin with small, petty arguments or competitions. Still, over time, it can develop into more serious issues that affect how siblings interact with each other and the family as a whole. Even though this can be common in most families, you still don’t have to accept it as inevitable.

I know that for some of you reading this, sibling rivalry isn’t just a phase; it feels like a permanent fixture in your life. It may stem from a variety of reasons, including different parenting styles, unequal treatment, jealousy, or even family trauma that hasn’t been fully addressed. Suppose you are currently in a situation where you feel like your relationship with your siblings has gone bad beyond repair. In that case, I want to let you know that there is hope for healing, and there are strategies you can apply to help your siblings come together again and start building stronger family bonds.

A Story of Sibling Rivalry

I have been seeking an opportunity to share this story. This story will help you gain a deeper understanding of sibling rivalry, especially in the context of family traditions. I grew up in a home where love felt conditional, and the competition for affection was constant amongst us, the siblings. Yes, because from a very young age, I noticed that my siblings and I seemed to be in an endless struggle for validation, whether from our parents or simply in the eyes of the world.

Growing up with neglect and emotional abandonment from my parents created an atmosphere where love was hard to come by. And our parents are the type who shift more attention towards whoever is doing better at the moment. Therefore, we were all trying to get our parents’ attention, which they were supposed to provide freely and unconditionally. Instead of supporting and being there for each other, we became rivals. Sometimes it felt like there was only room for one of us to shine better than others, and this led to a great deal of resentment.

For instance, if one of us got better grades or won an award, the others were filled with envy rather than pride. Do you know that this unhealthy competition didn’t stop with school achievements; it even extended to almost everything, from house chores to who could get the most affection when our parents decided to notice us. The pressure to outperform and outdo one another was intense, and it was exacerbated by the fact that we were never properly taught how to handle these feelings of rivalry in healthy ways.

But that constant competition and hurtful tension didn’t just affect us during our childhood. The impact of these years has stayed with me into adulthood, haunting my interactions with my siblings. Although time has passed, the echoes of those early conflicts still affect how we relate to each other, and I have had to work hard to repair the damage.

For anyone out there who feels like their sibling rivalry is never-ending, understand that what you are going through can change, but it won’t happen overnight. All you need is the right strategies to heal and strengthen your relationship with your siblings. The road to recovery starts with self-awareness and a willingness to change your mindset.

The Roots of Sibling Rivalry: What Drives the Tension?

Understanding the origins of sibling rivalry is crucial in learning how to resolve it. It’s not just about petty arguments or fights over who gets the last slice of pizza. There are deeper psychological reasons behind why siblings often clash.

The first major driver is competition for parental attention. Growing up, many of us are constantly trying to earn our parents’ approval, and if parents are emotionally distant or overly critical, the rivalry can become magnified. When siblings feel like they are not receiving equal attention or affection from their parents, a deep sense of insecurity and resentment begins to grow among them.

Another contributor is perceived favouritism. No matter how much a parent might try to treat all their children equally, it’s human nature to have different dynamics with each child. But not to make it so evident that one sibling may now feel like the golden child, while another might feel like they are always playing catch-up. This imbalance, real or imagined, can cause lasting emotional wounds that continue to influence how siblings treat each other later in life.

Then, there is the fight for identity during childhood. This happens when a child attempts to discover their identity. This time, the child or the children feel like they are competing not just for attention, but also for recognition as individuals within their family.

Lastly, there’s the impact of shared family trauma. This happens because there is underlying emotional neglect, abuse, or dysfunction in the family; siblings often bond over the shared experience of pain. However, this bond can take the form of unhealthy competition, as each sibling tries to be the one who rises above or who deals with the situation differently.

Strategies for Tackling Sibling Rivalry

Whenever you find yourself in a situation where sibling rivalry is affecting family harmony, address it directly and openly. Try as much as possible not to take sides. And bear in mind that the tension you are feeling today does not have to be what your family will continue to experience; So this takes us to several ways to fix this rivalry and misunderstanding among siblings and move toward building stronger and healthier bonds:

1. Communicate Openly and Honestly

Some siblings find it challenging to open up and communicate their grievances, which is a primary reason sibling rivalry persists. In most traditional families, siblings often suppress their feelings of jealousy, resentment, or hurt, and these emotions may, over time, begin to manifest in aggressive ways. To encourage and enjoy a better relationship with your siblings, start by having open and honest conversations about how things are going and how you feel about them.

This can be not easy at first, especially if you are the type who likes to avoid sensitive topics. But expressing your emotions calmly, without blaming or accusing others, is essential. I started seeing healing when I finally opened up to my siblings about how much I resented the constant comparisons and emotional neglect we experienced as children, even though they disagreed with me at first. Still, as time went on, they began to see the truth in what I said. It was not easy at first, but what happened is that my relationship with them changed.

2. Avoid Favouritism and Build Equal Relationships

As a parent, it is very wrong for you to give more attention to one particular child of yours because it will create anger and envy among them. Whenever you feel or notice that one sibling receives more attention than others, please go ahead and make some amendments. I am not just talking about parents treating siblings equally, but also about recognising each sibling’s individuality. Always offer equal support and appreciation for each sibling’s contributions. It doesn’t matter what it is; it could be academic achievement or athletic prowess.

You should always acknowledge the strengths and unique qualities of your children, for that is the key step to fostering respect amongst them rather than rivalry. As I began to appreciate the talents and qualities of my siblings, I noticed that the competition between us started to subside, and we became more supportive of one another.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

I always advise families to learn to set boundaries. This is because setting healthy boundaries is necessary in all aspects of our lives as human beings, including within our families. For example, there are times when it’s okay to disagree, but it’s also necessary to respect each other’s space. You can set limits on how you communicate, share resources, and spend time together.

To me, setting boundaries is all about having the courage to say “no” to specific behaviours that are not respectful. Whether it was emotional manipulation or overstepping personal space, because most siblings can be very good at that. For me, I always had to stand my ground and communicate when I felt disrespected. And I came to realise that saying no in a kind and respectful manner helped reduce tension and brought a sense of mutual respect and happiness to our relationship.

4. Encourage Cooperation, Not Competition

Instead of having unnecessary competition, you can work together to find ways to solve family and personal issues collaboratively. You can collaborate on a school project, helping each other with personal challenges, or simply spending time together. Cooperation strengthens the bonds between people.

When siblings come together to work toward a common goal, it shifts the dynamic from one of rivalry to one of partnership. This is why they should have been taught and encouraged to support one another rather than compete for unnecessary validation. Once siblings start working together on family projects or goals, the tension between them will ease significantly.

5. Offer Empathy and Understanding

Empathy is key in overcoming sibling rivalry. Recognise that each sibling is going through their struggles, and sometimes, their actions are a reflection of their pain, fear, or insecurity. Being able to empathise with their struggles rather than react defensively can help break down the walls of rivalry.

When I decided to stop seeing my siblings as my competitors and began to pay attention to understand the challenges they faced, I found it easier to let go of resentment. And it made it easier to support them through their struggles, rather than focusing on my insecurities.

6. Build Positive Family Traditions

There are family traditions that help create some pleasant and unforgettable memories, and I believe you already know that making positive memories together as a family can help replace the negative patterns that have developed over time. Many people are unaware of the importance of this. Go ahead and start building some family patterns now if you haven’t already.

 I suggest game nights, family holidays, or simply sharing meals, which offer everyone opportunities to connect in a healthy and positive way. These are the types of experiences that create memories which strengthen bonds and help put past conflicts into perspective.

7. Seek Outside Help When Necessary

Sometimes, sibling rivalry can arise from family issues that are deeply rooted and can be tough to resolve on your own. When you find yourself in such a situation, seek outside support, which can make a real difference, but ensure it comes from a trusted external source. If I have to suggest, I will recommend family therapy or mediation because it offers a helpful way to explore underlying and critical issues, promote honest conversations, and provide families with practical tools to rebuild stronger, more loving relationships.

Therapy helped me and my siblings confront our underlying issues and learn how to relate to one another more healthily.

Conclusion: Moving Toward a Healthier Future

Sibling rivalry is a common issue in many families, but you don’t have to allow it to ruin your relationship with your siblings forever. The most crucial thing is for you to decide to let go and forgive whatever is causing you pain. When you put in this effort, you have to be patient and watch everything gradually take a better shape.

 It’s possible to let go, forgive, and have healthier relationships with your siblings. Your family is meant to be a support system, and once you’ve worked through the issues causing the rivalry, you will be able to create and grow the kind of relationship that will open doors for you and your siblings. You will see yourself progressing in your business or job.